Chapter TWO

7Next »

Remy walked towards the back door studying the trail as he went. He glanced back at the tent and saw his footprints in the frost next to the two odd trails. There was a faint rumble from the tent. Dad was snoring again. Remy started up the steps to the small porch by the back door. He looked around. Nothing was different here. Remy kicked off his outside shoes and put them in the shoe box. He took a deep breath and grasped the door handle. The cold burned his fingers. He yanked the handle down quickly to scoot inside to the warmth and froze. In front of him stood a large gorilla, holding the dishwashing liquid.

Remy stared. His brain argued with his eyes. Remy reached down and pinched himself hard on the leg. His eyes were right. There was a large gorilla standing in the kitchen. The gorilla stared back at Remy, then raised the bottle of dishwashing liquid and took a big swig.

From the laundry there was a clatter. Remy turned his head slowly towards the sound. His body seemed to be as frozen as his fingers while his brain tried to understand what his eyes were seeing.

‘Giles that idea of yours, to raid their clothes storage, was top hole old chap.’

The speaker appeared in the doorway wearing his mother’s pink work uniform and Remy’s black and yellow mud splattered rugby socks. The colour combination was vile but the thing wearing it didn’t seem to mind. It looked like an adult sized stuffed toy gorilla, though not the sort you would want to cuddle.

Remy glanced from one to the other of the gorillas in his kitchen. Words formed up in his brain. What. Who. How. Why. All of them trying to get out of his mouth first. Finally a sentence made it.

‘You aren’t supposed to drink washing up liquid,’ he said to the gorilla by the sink.

‘Right ho,’ said the gorilla. ‘What about this then?’ The gorilla pointed to the collection of cooking sauces by the stove.

‘No,’ said Remy. Stay calm he thought. Make no sudden moves.

‘But I’m thirsty old fruit,’ said the gorilla. ‘You must drink something on this planet. All these bottles hold liquid, so they must be drinkable.’ He turned to his companion. ‘Isn’t that so Miranda?’

Remy’s brain unfroze. They were aliens? Gorillas were aliens?

Miranda waved a paw. ‘Giles, forget the drink! You must get dressed so you can blend in with the natives.’ Miranda pointed to Remy. ‘See this native pet is wearing clothes. Come along, there is a good selection here in a container.’ Miranda turned to go back into the laundry.

‘Um. Stop,’ said Remy, trying to take charge. After all this was his planet. He had a right to say something.

‘Stop? Why?’ Miranda turned back to stare at Remy, who took a deep breath.

‘Because you can’t just barge in here and take clothes. This is not your house and I am not a pet.’

‘Ah,’ said Miranda, ‘I must have used the wrong word. Slave? Drudge? Chappie? Household appliance?’

‘Boy,’ said Remy

‘Oh,’ said Miranda, scratching her head. ‘Our information programme must be wrong. I must say, you don’t look as if you descended from apes. Do all the natives look like you?’

‘Maybe he’s a throwback or a runt,’ said Giles, who was now opening cupboards.

‘No,’ snapped Remy. ‘I’m not a throwback and don’t drink that!’ He pointed to the bottle of bleach Giles had found under the sink. Giles put the bottle down. ‘Or that,’ added Remy in a snarl as Giles paw hovered over the dishwasher powder.

‘Giles,’ reproved Miranda. ‘I told you to check for the latest information. Jolly bad show old chap. We seem to have made a mistake in programming the genetic assembilator.’

‘Just a bit,’ said Remy looking at the two animals in the kitchen. ‘Apes are now in zoos as endangered animals.’ Giles looked at Remy for a long moment. Then he raised his hand and pointed a big ape finger. Behind Remy the back door swung shut.

Giles turned back to the cupboard and started to wrestle with the bottle of drain cleaner.

Remy forgot about staying calm and making no sudden moves. He stalked over to the sink and turned on the tap. ‘We drink this. It’s water.’

‘Finally,’ said Giles, putting his hand under the water flow and trying to catch some in his huge palm.

‘And apes don’t wear clothes,’ Remy said to Miranda, ‘so you can take those off.’

‘And go naked?’ Miranda protested. ‘No, that’s not right, young fella. Our information said Earth natives are clothed and live in houses. They gather together often to enjoy social occasions such as wars and footy matches and have jolly sing songs around a piano.’

Remy’s brain did a double flip. Where had they got their information from?

‘Listen, your information is wrong,’ Gorillas don’t run around wearing clothes and they don’t talk, especially the way you talk.’ Remy turned to Giles ‘And Natives don’t do that either,’ Giles had his mouth around the tap. Bubbles, from the earlier swig of dishwashing liquid, were starting to appear.

Remy handed Giles a glass.

‘What language programme did you use Giles?’ Miranda crossed her arms and tapped a big foot on the floor.

‘I got a bargain,’ gargled Giles, bubbles frothing out of his mouth. ‘Biggles in Piccadilly. Genuine Earth language programme, only one owner. Mint condition.’

‘And out of date,’ added Remy. ‘Biggles was a hundred years ago. You’ll have to go back home and get better information.’

Just leave, thought Remy, let’s get back to normal.

‘Oh Giles,’ said Miranda, shaking its head, ‘that was a snafu,’ Miranda turned its big body around to look at Remy. ‘Going back home, that could be a problem.’

‘Why,’ asked Remy, knowing by his sinking feeling he wasn’t going to like the answer.

‘Well, we came down in the last shower,’ started Miranda.

‘Rain? asked Remy, It didn’t rain last night.’

‘Not rain,’ snuffled Giles, I wouldn’t be thirsty. Meteors. We hitched a ride with a meteor fragment.’

‘Jolly exciting,’ added Miranda.

Giles continued. ‘Of course there was a slight snag when we came down. We hit the ground rather hard.’

‘Rather hard,’ echoed Miranda, nodding.

‘The old bus broke.’

‘You travelled in a bus?’ Remy tried to picture it and failed.

‘Well you would call it a bus,’ said Giles, wandering over to the pantry. ‘We call it an interplanetary vehicle.’

‘No,’ said Remy, ‘We would call it a space ship. ‘Why here, anyway?’ Remy thought he may as well ask, so he would have lots of information to tell the police or the zoo.

‘Well, we’re observing Earth,’ said Miranda. ‘It’s top secret, old fruit, so we just have to blend in, observe you for a bit, write a report, fix our bus and leave. Simple really.’

Remy, shook his head. Simple?

‘You can’t go round saying it’s top secret,’ said Giles, holding a bag of flour in his paw. ‘I’m hungry, can you eat this?’ he asked Remy.

Remy sighed, ‘If it’s cooked.’

‘I know,’ said Miranda, waving a paw. ‘We’ll be on holiday. We can do holiday things like visiting natives do. Cunning, eh what?’

Remy looked at the two aliens in his kitchen. One gorilla dressed in a pink uniform with muddy socks and one big gorilla with its paw in the sugar. They think they’re going to blend in on a top secret holiday? What a pair of idiots, he thought. Wait until his parents saw this.

On cue he could hear the heavy tread of his fathers gumboots coming up the back door steps Remy heard the thud as each boot was kicked off to fall against the back door. The door started to open.

‘Oops,’ said Miranda.