Chapter Eighteen Winner

This week's mystery writer was Brian Falkner. You can download Brian's FABO bookmark by clicking on the image.

Judges report for Chapter 18 - Brian Falkner.

Yes it was me. The second to last chapter was mine, and I thought I had given the writers of Chapter Eighteen a nice easy lead-in to a fairly simple finish.

How wrong I was!

The entries for the final chapter took the story in all sorts of directions, and introduced some marvelously wacky imagination. However...

Of all the entries, one stood out. It was so good that it had all of us professional authors wishing we had written it, for lots of reasons, some of which will become apparent when you read it.

I won't keep you in suspense, I will just let the entry speak for itself. So without further ado, here is our final chapter winner, thirteen-year-old Angus Smith from Auckland Normal Intermediate School.

CHAPTER 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: REMY’S MISTAKE
by Angus Smith

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: REMY’S MISTAKE

Remy blinked. He was standing in his kitchen, in his house on Earth. He jumped for joy, marvelling at the sight of the glass bench and the greasy dishwasher. Remy knelt down, actually kissing the floor. He retched. On reflection, that probably wasn’t such a good idea.

Remy peered about him. No gorillas, no fairies, no slimy things with tentacles. Was his ordeal over, after all? He frowned. Something wasn’t right. Things are a bit too quiet, he thought.

Out loud, he called: ‘Mum? Dad? Hello!’

There was no response. Feeling increasingly anxious, he ran into the living room. Dead room, more like. There wasn’t a soul in sight. ‘Is anybody here?’

After a thorough search, Remy determined that his house was empty. Barely suppressing sobs of frustration, he ran out into the street. There were no cars on the road, and nobody walked the streets.

‘I should’ve known it wouldn’t be so simple,’ Remy groaned, plonking himself onto a nearby bench. ‘The whole planet’s deserted apart from me. Nobody’s here!’

‘I can see when I’m not wanted,’ Nobody huffed, picking up his briefcase and striding away.

Remy sat in enraged silence for several minutes. He tried to think of what could have gone wrong. Because he was wearing the Re-Timer, it must have only re-timed what was un-timed for him alone. Leaving his friends and foes alike trapped in between realities. The gyro-sphincter!

Remy jumped to his feet. He just had to rescue Lewis, Mum and Dad and the entire human race from the swampy horrors of the gyro-sphincter, even if it made him risk his own life. He tried to remember what Mr Jones had said that had teleported him to the sphincter. Then he had it.

‘Beam me up, Scotty.’

In a flash of blinding colours, Remy found himself once again stuck in the sticky horrors of the gyro-sphincter. It was a nightmare. From all around came the hysterical screams of the human race. Billions of innocent sentients, caught up in an insane quest to stop two slimy, tentacled aliens.

Tears welled up in Remy’s eyes. I should never have got caught up in all this nonsense, he thought belatedly, if I’d stayed out of the fairies’ way, then maybe none of this would ever have happened.

‘Cheer up,’ Melinda Szymanik said.

Remy started. Who was this strange woman, bobbing in the sucking mud a metre away from where he stood? He felt vaguely offended at being caught in a sulk by a complete stranger.

‘Do I know you?’ he asked bluntly, wiping away the tears from his cheek.

‘Know you?’ the strange woman laughed. ‘Why, Remy, I created you!’

Remy stared, unsure whether to laugh or squelch away. ‘What?’

‘Me and eight other authors created you for an online writing competition, m’dear,’ Melinda explained patiently.

‘Hmmm…’ Remy seemed to consider this with some thought, ‘let me guess. Speed? Crack cocaine?’

‘She’s not a drug addict, Remy,’ came a man’s voice, as somebody came swimming up to them. ‘I’m Brian Falkner, one of your creators.’

‘So am I,’ said Michele Powles, joining the growing group.

‘Don’t forgets about me, bro’ called Fleur Beale. ‘I’ve been in the trade since before youse guys were!’

‘No, I’m the superior author!’ Kyle Mewburn proclaimed. ‘My awesome Technodiviner2000 says so.’

‘Eat mud, nerd boy!’ Tania Hutley growled, pushing Kyle under the mud.

‘Fight! Fight!’ Kathy White hollered.

Before Remy’s uncomprehending eyes, the nine insane authors began to fight amongst themselves.

‘Jeez,’ Remy muttered, ‘this is breaking the fourth wall way too far. This chapter’s terrible! I’m even more horrified than when I discovered Miranda and Giles back in Chapter Two.’

‘It’s okay, child,’ Maureen Crisp purred, laying a hand on the boy’s shoulder, ‘don’t you worry about all those other authors over there. By the way, I was your sole creator.’

‘Nonsense, G!’ Fleur Beale said, tackling Maureen, ‘Don’t listen to her, I’m the one that done went and made you.’

‘I will use my superpowers to win this battle!’ Kyle Mewburn exclaimed.

‘But you don’t have superpowers,’ Melinda observed, as Fifi Colston got her in a headlock.

‘I do on my Runescape account,’ Kyle said sheepishly.

‘SHUT UP!’ Remy screamed.

The nine authors stopped what they were doing, looking at Remy in shock. Kathy White pointed a shaking finger at the angry-looking boy.

‘How dare you yell at us,’ Kathy huffed, crossing her arms. ‘We brought you into this world, and all you do to repay us is telling us off. That’s the last time I’m having children.’

‘You were behaving like children yourselves,’ Remy retorted. ‘You adults should be ashamed of acting like that at your age.’

The authors hung their heads in shame. Remy sighed, looking about him at the hundreds of disorientated humans wallowing in the sinking mud.

‘You insaners wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with all this drama, would you?’

‘Ooooh!’ Melinda Szymanik gasped, whipping out her notepad. ‘Insaner, I love that word. I’m going to use it in one of my novels.’

‘We made all this happen,’ Brian Falkner explained. ‘As we tried to explain earlier, your whole world has been created by us for an online writing contest. But somehow our imagined story came to life in an alternate dimension, and we were transported to the gyro-sphincter for causing a cosmic anomaly.’

‘I don’t get it,’ Remy frowned.

‘I don’t either,’ Brian admitted.

‘It’s all very simple,’ Kyle Mewburn proclaimed. ‘The antithesis equation of Cosmic Order Book Two Page Nine Paragraph Five clearly states that when an inter-dimensional interference epitomises the…’

‘Shut up!’ Tania Hutley screamed, tackling Kyle to the ground.

At that moment, three familiar figures appeared in the mud next to Remy. They were Lewis, Too Cool and Ummm.

‘There you are, man!’ Too Cool beamed. ‘Man, who are these nine unkempt-looking individuals?’

‘We’ve been looking all over for you, Remy,’ Ummm panted.

‘What’s going on?’ Lewis moaned, obviously not coping well with the chaos of their prison. ‘Where are my mum and dad?’

Remy quickly filled his friends in on the story of the nine authors. The fairy policemen seemed highly impressed by the story.

‘If you brought us into existence,’ Ummm said slowly, ‘surely you can get us all out of here?’

‘There may be a way,’ Fifi Colston put in eagerly. ‘I draw things as well as write. I could bring into existence something that could help us break out of the gyro-sphincter.’

Lewis seemed doubtful about this idea. ‘You’d have to be pretty good at drawing.’

‘I am!’ Fifi exclaimed, keen to impress. ‘Look, I’ll draw a picture of Remy to demonstrate my artistic ability.’

After a minute of sketching in her notebook, she proudly held her masterpiece aloft. The drawing looked something like a deranged monkey in a spotted bikini, on crack and with dementia. For some reason, Fifi had written the words ‘manatees are awesome’ at the bottom of the picture.

Remy raised an eyebrow. ‘Ummm… yes, Fifi, that looks exactly like me.’

‘What, did someone say my name?’ Ummm asked in confusion.

‘Hey, dude, look at that!’ Too Cool gasped, pointing at two grotesque figures stalking towards them through the oozing mud.

‘Oh no!’ Melinda groaned, attempting to swim away. But the mud proved too sticky to move more than 0.0000027277 kilometres an hour.

‘I knew we should never have included villains in our story,’ Brian sighed, crossing his heart.

Miranda and Giles looked ferocious, their slimy warts oozing pus and bogies; their tentacles swayed hypnotically, dripping unmentionable liquids; and their gigantic mouths opened to reveal sharp teeth like a set of Jack the Ripper’s surgical knives. Giles (or maybe it was Miranda, it was hard to tell now) laughed, the sound echoing off the massive unseen walls of the gyro-sphincter. The sobbing of the human race abruptly stopped as the two gruesome aliens transfixed them.

‘At last, judgement is upon you!’ Miranda (or maybe Giles) cackled, flexing her (or his) tentacles in anticipation of the kill.

‘Miranda and Giles!’ Ummm announced, stepping forward with a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs in his hands. ‘You are hereby under arrest by the Intergalactic Police...’

Giles (or maybe Miranda) casually whipped out a tentacle, sending the unfortunate fairy flying off into the distance. He landed with a squeeeeelch in the mud. Remy and the others looked on in horror, stunned into silence. But unbeknownst to them, Fifi Colston had a plan.

‘Hiyaaaaaah!’ Fifi screamed, pulling a giant rubber from her pocket and charging at the two aliens. ‘Eat my rubber, foul things from galaxies unknown.’

‘What the-?’ Miranda (or maybe Giles) gaped.

But for the two antagonists, it was the end. The zealous author attacked them, rubbing them out of existence. Soon Giles (or maybe Miranda) had been rubbed out completely, obliterated from the universe.

‘Go Fifi!’ Michelle Powles hollered, jumping up and down in excitement.

‘Nooooo!’ Miranda (or maybe Giles) yelled, as she (or he) too was destroyed.

Blowing shards of broken rubber from her weapon, Fifi struck a triumphant pose. The eight other authors cheered, hoisting her up onto their shoulders. As Too Cool helped Ummm out of the mud, Remy began to feel hopeful for the first time since he’d been in the gyro-sphincter.

But all that hope was soon shattered.

‘Don’t move!’ Eyepod Nanoo screamed, pointing a MermaidBlaster2000 at Remy’s chest. ‘If anyone moves a finger, I’ll kill this stupid little boy.’

‘Eyepod!’ Lewis yelped. ‘Why are you doing this?’

‘I’ve had it with you all,’ Eyepod growled. ‘ I hate all this insanity and downright foolishness. I will be the one to save Earth from the gyro-sphincter!’

‘Now look here,’ Melinda huffed in a strict tone, ‘if you think you can spoil all…’

Eyepod shot Melinda in the chest.

Remy’s mouth formed an O. Everything seemed to happen in a blur. Maureen Crisp and Brian Falkner ran forward to their fallen colleague. Eyepod dropped her gun, her face expressionless. Too Cool and Ummm stepped forward, clapping the rogue mermaid in a pair of handcuffs.

‘She’s dead, broooooo!’ Fleur Beale wailed, cradling Melinda’s blood-soaked corpse in her arms.

Remy felt sad, even though he hadn’t really known Melinda Szymanik. He felt confused, he didn’t know whether to believe the authors or not. Could he really have been brought to life by a story?

But all of these troubling thoughts packed up and vacated his mind when he saw the two figures rushing up to him as fast as they could in the mud.

‘Mum! Dad!’ Remy cried, falling into their arms.

‘Oh, my darling boy!’ Mrs Polanik sobbed, tousling her son’s hair. ‘I was afraid that I’d never see you again.’

‘When we get home, dear,’ Mr Polanik said to his wife, ‘we can trapeze together. Forever!’

‘Oh, Gerry!’ Remy’s mum beamed, giving her husband a big wet kiss.

‘Ewww…’ Remy screwed up his face in disgust as he broke away from the group hug.

Looking around, he saw that Lewis had been similarly united with his parents. He saw Mr and Mrs Jones comforting their three hysterical sons. Remy smirked. The Jones boys weren’t looking so tough now. From all around came the sounds of families and friends happily reuniting. Too Cool and Ummm were binding the pathetic figure of Eyepod in pink lace, while Fifi Colston finished bringing into existence a police paddy wagon. Next, Fifi began work on drawing a super powered drill and a massive spaceship, both of which would ensure the human race’s safe return to Earth. Melinda’s body lay under a blanket, which the rest of the authors huddled forlornly around.

Remy felt happy, yet strangely sad. He blinked, and then smiled. The important thing, Remy reflected, was that he was going home.

*

Kyle Mewburn leant back in his computer chair, pleased that he’d finished writing the final ever chapter of the Fabo Story. The other eight authors, however, didn’t seem to share his opinion. Even the illustrators didn’t appreciate Kyle’s ending.

Nikki Slade Robinson almost choked on her milo, while Brian Falkner looked depressed. It was Fleur Beale who broke the awkward silence.

‘That is a terrible ending,’ she declared. ‘What’s more, introducing us into the story was a downright stupid idea. Was that meant to be funny or something? And why did you make me talk like some illiterate buffoon raised on Breakin’ movies? Jesus, your ideas disgust me!’

‘Jeez, it’s not that bad,’ Kyle held up his hands defensively.

‘Kyle, aren’t you at least going to end the Fabo Story with an iconic short phrase,’ Melinda Szymanik sneered, ‘something to sum the whole story up?’

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

‘No?’

THE END