Chapter Ten

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Lewis floated in a warm glutinous swamp. It was soft and squishy and fully supportive of his bodyweight. Except for the faintly unpleasant odour, it was pretty near to paradise considering where he’d just been.

‘It’s all a dream,’ he thought, ‘any minute now I’ll wake up and write about it for homework.’

But he knew his teacher wouldn’t accept that ending; he’d tried various versions before: ‘And then I woke up to find it the worst nightmare I’d ever had,’ or ‘then the doctor tapped me on the shoulder and said ‘time for your medication.’ She’d made him rewrite them all, every lame last one of them.

‘I don’t want to wake up,’ he thought, eyes closed, enjoying the soothing ooze around him. Despite the smell it was much nicer than the bum-burning rope he’d been suspended by. Maybe he was still there and this really was a dream. Or maybe he was dead? Lewis’s eyes flicked open in horror.

’I don’t want to die!’ he shouted into the gaping darkness around him.

‘Neither do I!’ a man’s panicked voice cut through the gloom.

‘Well, you should have thought about that before your wife found you!’ snapped a very familiar tone.

‘Mrs Polanik?’ said Lewis, peering onto the black around him, trying to make out the shape of Remy’s Mum.

‘Lewis Whiteburn, what the heck have you done with my son?’ The words echoed through the vast space.

Pwhap! Lewis slapped the swamp’s gloopy surface with relief, he was alive! A small stink rose from where his hand stuck, he held his breath until the smell floated away. Where on earth were they?

‘I don’t know where he is Mrs P, one minute I was down the Jones’s chimney with gorillas lighting a fire under my butt and the next I’m in deep sh…’

‘No need to swear boy, I think we all know what we’re in,’ said the man.

‘Well Stanley Jones, if you had just stuck to plan A,’ said Remy’s Mum.

‘Bridget, honestly, I’d just got onto the sunbed for 5 minutes before you were due; I had no idea she’d come home early.’

‘And you think I’d care about the colour of your skin when you had gorillas in your living room? I mean what kind of zoo…’

‘Shut up!’ yelled Lewis. He could barely take this all in. Here they were, stuck in doo doo somewhere in the universe and these people were arguing about tanning sessions? Unbelievable.

‘Listen here,’ said Remy’s Mum.

‘No YOU listen. There’s some really big stuff going on.’

‘Bigger than this?’ said Mr Jones Pffffrrrrblurrpfffrt resonated long and loud into the atmosphere. There was an embarrassed silence.

‘Sorry, that was my armpit… in this gloop.’

‘Yeah sure, whatever,’ Lewis went on, ‘anyway, there’s these gorillas see.’

‘I told you so, ‘ said Remy’s Mum, ‘I saw them when I came through the ranch-sliders.’

‘Why were you even there?’ asked Lewis.

‘I, um, wanted to have a look at his sunbed.’

Lewis stopped for a moment as a possible scenario wormed into his consciousness. A tanned and sequinned scenario. He didn’t want to think any further; he quickly dumped the image into the trash can on the desktop of his mind. Better to concentrate on the situation at hand.

‘And there’s these fairies right?’

‘Yes yes, I saw them,’ affirmed Mr Jones, ‘I thought they were the guys from work.’

‘Not unless your workmates are Intergalactic police!’ said Lewis.

‘How ridiculous,’ said Remy’s Mum. There was a small phweep of disbelief.

Lewis grew serious, ‘Mrs Polanik, I don’t mean to be rude or anything but you, me and Mr Jones are somewhere in the universe up to our necks in.-‘

‘No need to say the word Lewis.’

He carried on, ‘and no idea how we got here, whilst the world as we know it is on the brink of devolution,’ he paused, that was a big word, even for him, ‘so I think you might just open your mind to the possibility that there are other forces out there.’

From the blackness came a snort, ‘Fairy Police Forces?’

‘Yes but they aren’t your usual fairies,’ said Lewis, wondering for a crazy moment what usual ones were like.

‘He’s right Brigit, they’re fairly unattractive for a start,’ added Mr Jones.

Lewis sighed and immediately regretted it. Every time he breathed hard it seemed to increase the smells around him.

‘Something or someone got us here, so we have to think what we were doing at the exact moment it happened and maybe that will give us a clue about how to get out of here.’

There was silence whilst the three captives gathered their thoughts; it went on longer than seemed necessary. The space around them gurgled gently as they floated in the stinky swamp.

Lewis spoke up.

‘So I could smell the turps…’

‘And I grabbed my jewels...’

‘Then your wife came out of the bathroom and I said…’

‘Beam me up Scotty.’

They splatted in shock; ripples coursing through the ooze. Someone else was in the dark.

‘What? Who?’ said Lewis.

A tiny beam of light winked on in the inky air. It grew larger by degrees as it travelled an arm’s length then stopped and settled, illuminating a small pointed chin. The chin tilted down towards the light beam and a face appeared in the blackness. Its features were perfect; a long straight nose, curved lips and wavy hair that looked like it had been chiselled from the finest marble. It framed large green eyes fringed by sparkling blue eyelashes that shimmered in the light. She was the most amazing creature Lewis had ever seen- and that included Miriama Kelly who was pretty hot. Not that she ever noticed him, in fact she always-

‘Laughs at you in Zumba class?’

Lewis felt like he’d been slapped, ‘How do you know that? And who the heck are you?’

‘I’m Eyepod Nanoo.’

‘You mean Nano?’

‘No, I said Noo.’

‘Is she a Scottish lass?’ said Mr Jones.

‘Shut-up’ said Lewis and Remy’s Mum.

‘And I can hear everything you’re thinking,’ said Eyepod. There was a vrrrrp from Mr Jones’s direction.

‘I said everything.’

‘Sorry,’ mumbled Mr Jones.

Eyepod tapped her cheek with her finger. The tip of pulsated with light. What was with these aliens and their special finger powers?

‘It’s standard Issue,’ explained Eyepod as if Lewis had said the words out loud, ‘all soldiers get them.’

‘Soldier? But you’re just a little girl!’ said Remy’s Mum.

Eyepod laughed; it was like a million tiny bells had been perfectly arranged to entertain angels in heaven. Lewis sighed happily until the gloop stunk back at him. He tried not to breathe.

‘Oh I can assure you I’m quite grown up Mrs Polanik. Where I come from,’ Eyepod explained, ‘you’d be the little girl; in a nuture centre drinking cerebral formula and playing with Delta blocks.’

Eyepod’s lips didn’t move the entire time, they stayed perfectly arranged in a gently mocking smile. How did she do that? Was she a ventriloquist?

‘No,’ came her voice; our language is too complex, and well, it might permanently damage your ears. I channel through your heads using a Trojan Worm.’

She touched the back of her ear gently and held out her finger for Lewis to see. On it was tiny florescent caterpillar with a strange sea horse shaped head. Lewis leaned in closer to get a better look. The creature wriggled and suddenly reared up, hissing. Tiny sparks flew from its nose.
Eyepod tucked the worm back behind her ear and laughed again.

‘Brian’s a bit scared of new people.’

‘Brian? What kind of name is that for something so intelligent?’ said Lewis.

‘It’s an anagram.’

Whilst he tried to work that one out, Eyepod addressed them all.

‘So where we are, blue planet people, is the Gyrosphincter; the brown hole in space, commonly used for political asylum, temporary holding of criminals, a staging post for identitiy transferral and sometimes she looked pointedly in the direction of Mr Jones and Remy’s Mum,
‘as time out for very naughty children.’

‘So why are you here?’ said Lewis.

‘I’m on military punishment,’ said Eyepod.

Lewis drew a breath and two litres of foul air coursed through his lungs, ‘What for?’ he breathed out.

‘Oh something really trivial,’ said Eyepod, ‘I can’t even believe they like sent me here for it?’ She sounded so like Miriama.

‘Go on then, we’re all waiting, ‘said Remy’s Mum, ‘put us out of our misery. What is this highly unfair punishment that you didn’t deserve for then?’

Eyepod drew her finger lightly across the swampy surface, it looked chocolaty in the light.

‘All I did was pull the wings off a…what do you call it?’

‘Moth?’ suggested Lewis.

‘No, a… oh melting meteors, what’s the word?’

‘Butterfly?’ said Mr Jones, ‘my boys like to…’

‘No, no, no,’ Eyepod tapped her ear, frowned for a moment, then smiled brilliantly, ‘ah yes, thanks Brian; a fairy!’

Lewis just managed to stop his jaw from hitting the swamp.

‘You… pulled… the… wings… off…a….fairy?’

‘Yeah. Pathetic aye?’

‘Mr Jones cleared his throat; ‘Um, terribly sorry to interrupt, but, what kind of a soldier are you exactly?’

Eyepod drew herself up as far as it was possible in the murk, ‘I am a soldier of the 9th Guard in the Imperial Peace Keeping Division from the Celestial Legion of Nebulus.’

‘And you rip the wings off Intergalactic police?’ said Lewis.

‘Only when they irritate me,’ said Eyepod crossing her arms and pouting. She looked so like Miriama Lewis felt himself go weak at the knees. Lucky he didn’t have to stand, the stuff he was in held him upright even if it smelt like…

‘It’s not what you think,’ said Eyepod, ‘it’s secretions from Uranus.’

‘Exactly,’ said Lewis, ‘and just how do we get out of it?’

Eyepod shone her fingers at the three of them and motioned them forward. They waddled slowly through the sucking gloop like old ladies aqua jogging.

‘To get us all out together, we have to join hands and say the password in unison,’ said Eyepod when they were in touching distance.

‘So what is it?’

Eyepod frowned, ‘Well… that’s the tricky bit. Only the Police Commander, the Chief Dwarf knows, and if he doesn’t tell you, it can take years of guessing.’

‘What? Like Rumplestiltskin?’ said Lewis.

A flash went off in his head and he felt a weird sensation, like he was being pushed through a tightly fitting hydro slide that was slightly too small for his body. The pressure was immense and his ears were pinned flat as he gained speed, moving faster and faster down the twisting tunnel until he was ejected at last with one final whoosh!

Lewis struggled trying to right himself, until water stopped forcing itself up his nostrils. He rose to the surface and gasped for air as the light hit his eyes. A surprised duck quacked loudly in his ear and took off at speed. Lewis found his feet on the sludgy bottom of the Jones’s duck pond and looked about him. In the far distance, two ragged black figures dragged three shorter ones towards a pile of ashes. He squinted to see Remy holding up a coloured rag whilst a fat woman in a dressing gown screamed unstoppably at the sky. He tried to shout but his mouth was full of duckweed and mud. He was tired, so, so tired. He shut his eyes for a moment.

Weeeeee kersplosh!

His eyes shot open to see two heads emerge from the brackish pond.

‘Mr Jones! Mrs Polanik!’

Then a third head broke the water, shimmering in the late afternoon sun.

‘Eyepod!’

‘Rumplestiltskin!’ they shouted and high fived.

Twenty metres away, the dishevelled fairies dropped the Joness.

‘Listen Dude, sounds they like totally guessed the password!’

‘Awesome Ummm, and just look who’s with them.’

As the fairies advanced towards the pond, Eyepod grabbed Lewis.

‘You gotta get me out of here,’ she pleaded, ‘if those guys get me, I’m so last week.’

Lewis held her shoulders. She didn’t look like an Imperial soldier, just a frightened kid with the most beautiful eyes since-

‘Can you stop with the Miriama comparisons and help me out of here?! ’

Lewis took a deep breath of clean sweet ash laden air.

‘O.K, listen up. I want you to climb out of this pond and then run as fast as you can to that hill over there,’ Lewis pointed to the green belt, ‘and when you find the track, go up, hide in the manuka scrub and wait for me at the lookout.’

Eyepod’s enormous green eyes glistened, ‘I can’t,’ she whispered into his head.

‘Why not? You’re a soldier, you’re trained to do this stuff. You rip wings off fairies. You kick ass!’

She shook her lovely head, ‘I can’t run Lewis.’

‘Why not? Because you’re a girl?!’ he was angry now, that she wouldn’t even try to save herself.

‘No!!!’ she shouted, the worm behind her ear hung on by a sucker. The sound bored through his skull and hit every nerve ending he possessed. There were heaps. It was a worse sound than his Mum when she found biros in shirt pockets that had been through the spin cycle. He slapped his hands over his ears and looked helplessly at the advancing fairies, then back to Eyepod.

She stopped yelling and said in a tiny, sad voice:
‘I can’t run because’ the water rippled and Lewis stared as she revealed her difficulty. As he looked all dreams of Zumba dancing duos trickled away. He finished her sentence for her.

‘You’re a mermaid?’

 

 

 

- Illustration by Michaela Sangl