Winning Entry - Chapter Four

This week's author was Melinda Szymanik. You can download Melinda's FABO bookmark by clicking on the image.

Here's what Melinda had to say:

You kids can really write and you’ve made my job very hard. You’ve made me laugh out loud and at other times feel very sorry for poor Remy who is stuck in a terrible fix. Some of you had very good stories but not quite enough commas and full stops to make them great. Reading your story out loud (even just to yourself if you like, that’s what I do) will help you put punctuation in the right places. Watch out too that you don’t switch between past and present tense.

Most of you made great use of the information you found in chapter 3. My favourite chapters not only solved the question of ‘what happens next?’ but also included new material to move the story forward and make the reader ask new questions and want to keep reading.

As far as I can tell no one guessed I wrote the third chapter. Its worth having a guess, you just might win a cool prize. My chapter winner this week is Alex Hannagan, a year 7 at Raroa Normal Intermediate in Wellington. Excellent work Alex. Your prize will be in the post soon – banana not included.

My runners up were Naomi Ashby-Ryan, in year 6 at Warrington School (you can read Naomi's entry here) and Caroline Moratti year 7 at Balmacewen Intermediate School in Dunedin (you can read Caroline's entry here).

And my favourite line comes from Izzie Locker, yr 7 at Warrington School:

And after a few more hours they found a beauty parlour and bought a tube of lipstick. The shop assistant was extremely relieved when she found that Miranda only wanted
lipstick not a make over.

If you live in Auckland and want to talk to me about some tips on writing fabo story chapters I will be on the Kiwiwrite4kidz Writer’s table at the Storylines family day at the Aotea Centre next Sunday, August 22nd. I can’t wait to see what happens in the next chapters.

- Melinda

Click here for the winning entry for Chapter Three

Chapter Four

by Alex Hannagan, year 7, Raroa intermediate, Wellington.

Oh no! This was not what Remy needed at a time of crisis. After the spectacular events of the previous night his mind had been completely wiped of all memories. How could he forget something as important as the schools annual Blueberry Pie Guzzle. The final was on today and Lewis was competing.

Lewis was shy around people and often needed Remy’s support in crowds, which was a shame, because Lewis had a real shot at winning. The Blueberry Pie Guzzle was a competition where the competitors had to eat as many blueberry pies as possible in fifteen minutes and Remy had never seen anyone with as big a stomach as Lewis’s. Him not being there was a disaster.

Suddenly Giles rudely interrupted Remy’s rickety train of thought and said “Excuse me, old fellow, but there seems to be something ominous in that tree.”

Remy whipped around to see, through the window, a flash of red duck into the trees. Adrenaline coursed through his veins. It had been a killer couple of hours. Remy strained to pull up his window, and when he did his face was lashed by a gust of cold wind. A voice yelped, so Remy launched himself out the window into the leafy tree.

A familiar whimper rang out in the crisp morning air and Remy breathed a sigh of relief. “Lewis, what in Giles’s name are you doing here?” he growled.

Lewis blubbered. “You promised you would meet me at the Pie Guzzle. You know how I get around crowds.”

A suspicious sounding English voice shouted from inside. “What’s happening out there, Sonny Jim. Don’t leave us in here with these natives, old pal.”

“Quick,” Remy addressed Lewis, “let’s get out of here. Now.”

“But who was that shouting at you?”

“Tell you later. Now move those sticks you call legs.”

Remy was glad to have a chance to get away from the house, but mainly from Giles and Miranda. All this running had given him some time to think. Maybe he should run away from the chaos at home. Remy knew he could stay at Lewis’s place without being noticed. Lewis would do anything for Remy, he idolised him.

“Quick, I still have a chance! They haven’t started yet!” Lewis cried. He sprinted inside the school hall, shouting “Mr More! Mr More! I’m here! I can compete!” So much for being afraid of crowds.

Remy slunk inside like a panther and claimed a seat near the back. Lewis had just made it. Right on cue the organiser of the event, Mr More, shouted “EAT!”

The five contestants dived into their pies, munching and swallowing. What a sight. Lewis was ahead by miles, he had already eaten four pies, while the others had only managed two. Remy looked to the heavens. Not many people had a best friend who was afraid of crowds and could eat blueberry pies at a rate of a zillion kilometres per hour.

Remy sighed, but then his eyes focused on something mysterious through the skylight. A black dot was tearing downwards from the clouds, heading for a direct collision with the roof of the school hall. His blood turned to ice as the dot grew bigger. Bigger and bigger it grew, until it was as big as a house and looming down on them.

A girl screamed and somebody yelled “It’s a U.F.O.!”

And indeed it was. Black as the deepest part of space, it dominated the skyline. The hall rocked as it landed on the roof. Strange letters were spinning, no, orbiting, the U.F.O., and a weird humming tickled Remy’s eardrum.

One evil looking door spewed steam and opened slowly, even cautiously. A two foot high, bright orange, alien in full combat gear marched out, followed by a team of robots. CRASH! The skylight was suddenly blown sky high and the alien and his robots entered, drawing pink pistols that were spraying bullets made of jelly. The bullets were bouncing harmlessly off students and teachers, but were still succeeding in causing havoc. Girls and boys and teachers were screaming and running around like headless chooks. There was a scrum trying to get out the door, so people were taking alternative exits out the windows.

“Curses!” cried the alien, “These bullets work on the planet Zorgon 5!” He stomped his foot and pouted, but then noticed Remy standing in the middle of the hall staring, mouth open wide like a fish. “Get him!” The alien shrilled. His robots rumbled into life and started towards Remy.

Remy gasped then bolted out the nearest window, sprinting across the school field. The robots were close behind. Their arms sprouting swords, they readily began to cut crop circles on the un mowed grass.

Remy turned a corner and slammed straight into a brick wall. Where did that come from? No time for explanations, the robots would be here soon. He turned on his heel and bumped into... a robot. He struggled, but the robot had him in a head lock, there was no escape.

“Tell us,” the robot bleeped, one of it’s mates arriving behind it, “where are the traitors Giles and Miranda, or we will destroy your planet.”

THE END