Chapter Fifteen Senior Winner

CHAPTER 15:

In Awe of Ridiculous Comic Relief

By Andy Xie, Auckland Normal Intermediate Rm4

“It’s OK, don’t kill us! We’re part of the Intergalactic Space Police!” Too Cool yelled out, waving his arms frantically.

There was a pause, and then the voice boomed again, “Then you should know the law of Awe.”

Lewis snickered. “Hey, that rhymed.”

“Shut up, Lewis,” Remy hissed, trying to salvage the scraps that ensured survival.

“Oh, OK.” Lewis said, earning himself a slap from Remy.

Meanwhile, the argument that the Intergalactic Police were having with the Awe-ian voice wasn’t turning out so well.

“Look, we know the rules, and this isn’t our fault!” Ummm protested.

“The law is the law. Breaking a law – especially a law of time – is prohibited in our city, Awe.”

Lewis nudged Too Cool. “Hey, if Awe is just the city, then what’s the planet called?” Then he got slapped by Remy again.

“Relax, Remy. This isn’t as bad as it looks.”

“That’s what the school’s basketball team captain said – then we lost 60-0.” Remy shot back.

“Oh. Well, just thought I’d let you know, Awe is on a planet called New Earth,” he smiled as he saw Lewis and Remy gape, “the planet humans went to after Earth was destroyed by the sun.”

“And,” the voice boomed, “That is why we are not allowed prehistoric Earth animals on New Earth – or Awe, whatever you prefer.”

“Awe – the giant city that is sealed away from the rest of New Earth. I presume that Awe citizens don’t know this, right man?” Ummm said smugly, a smile playing on his lips.

Remy thought he could hear the voice’s owner pale. “I think you actually do need to talk to our Captain,” it muttered, and blue light enveloped Remy.

***

“Whoa!” Remy muttered groggily as he woke up.

“Tell me about it, man.” Remy whirled around, startled at the voice of another, and saw the police fairies. They were bound still by purple tendrils of light – light manipulation, Remy remembered. Remy looked around and caught a glimpse of Lewis, his mum, Mr and Mrs Jones, and Eyepod, and realised that everybody was tethered by the ropes of light.

“Hello there,” came a voice, and Remy instantly realised it was the voice of someone who thought highly of themselves. “I am the Captain of Awe.”

Remy analysed the man, who was wearing expensive-looking robes that clung to his hideously thin frame.

“What, like the Prime Minister?” Lewis asked mockingly. Remy would’ve slapped him, if he wasn’t bound up by the light.

“The universe should slap you today,” Lewis muttered, making sure nobody could hear.

The Captain looked puzzled. “What’s a Prime Minister?”

“Never mind that man, you just need to know that you’re holding Intergalactic Police captive.” Too Cool said.

“Ah!” the Captain cried, delighted, “So you’re one of those creatures that governed all of space in the 21st century! Well, I’m sorry, but you were dismantled, um, 500 years ago.”

Too Cool blinked.

“That didn’t work out too well,” Eyepod murmured.

“Shut it, felon. Well,” Too Cool said, making his eyes as wide as possible, “Can you just really please let us go?”

The Captain pretended to think about it for a moment. “No.”

“Well, we know the secret, don’t we?”

The Captain hesitated, genuine fear glinting in his beady eyes. “You’ll be dead soon.”

Lewis couldn’t contain himself anymore; he’d always been a gossipy guy. “Can you at least tell me the secret y’all keep talking about?”

The Captain shrugged. “I guess so. Basically, New Earth is a place humans moved to after Earth –“

“Yeah, yeah, I know that bit.” Lewis said. Remy groaned.

The Captain smiled briefly in amusement. “Well, you see, everybody inside Awe thinks Awe is its own planet, not a city. And that’s basically what we’re trying to do; create a new planet from the city – people who never knew about Earth. Earth is a painful part in our history – you don’t need to know why. Awe is sealed off from the rest of New Earth, because, well, New Earth houses all of the criminals.”

Ummm’s eyebrows twitched. “That’s not the whole truth, but it’ll do.”

The Captain nodded thoughtfully. “By the way, how’d you know all this? It’s not part of your native timeline.”

“We have our ways of knowing.” Ummm replied icily.

The Captain nodded again. “Oh well, you’ll be dead soon enough.”

“Yay,” the group cheered sarcastically in unison.

***

“I can’t believe they still do this,” Remy’s mother sighed.

“Don’t worry, give them a couple of thousand years, and they’ll grow out of this old cliché.”

“A couple of thousand…” Remy said wistfully. It was a long time for humanity to grow up.

The group were bound by the purple light to poles in a vast arena. Thousands of people were jeering at them, waiting for the action to erupt with a violent bloodlust. In front of the poor misshapen group were dinosaurs, with their mouths open, spraying spittle menacingly everywhere.

“I thought this only happened in movies,” Lewis sighed.

“Yeah,” Too Cool quipped in, “Like in Star Wars 2.”

“Well,” the captain said from a futuristic flying seat that hovered directly above the dinosaurs, “In a minute or so, we shall unbind you from the poles, and de-activate the pacifying drug we are currently using on the dinosaurs. You shall then proceed to try to fight free. Understood?”

“No…” Remy tried feebly.

The Captain sneered and muttered under his breath, “Smart arse.”

“So does that mean we can get out of this?” Lewis asked.

The Captain barked out laughter. “What do you think I’m going to do? Break the tradition of being a merciless villain just to make the story of your lives funnier?”

***

Somewhere, in the multi-dimensional heavens, and omniscient replied sarcastically, “Hey! That boarders on breaking the fourth wall!” Of course, nothing could comprehend it, because compared to the omniscient being, every other sentient being was too simple to grasp the omniscient being in its understanding.

***

“Yes, that’s actually what we were hoping for, dude,” Too Cool said, absolutely honest.

The Captain palmed his face. ‘Enough comic relief for the crowd!” he shouted, “This is serious now! Three… two… one. OK, you’re unbound now, and the dinosaurs are free to rampage yadiyadiyah,” and the Captain slumped in his seat.

Suddenly, the light disappeared, and the dinosaurs charged like a bulldozer towards the group.

Remy brought his arm deliberately slowly for dramatic effect, and… he slapped Lewis.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“The universe owed you a slap.”

And the dinosaurs were upon them.

***

“They’ll never survive this,” a darkly robed man told the Captain from his own hover-seat, which was situated right next to the Captain. Shadowy ribbons concealed his face, only showing eyes that shone with mischievousness.

“Of course not!” the Captain snapped, “After all, you came up with this idea… Remalew.”

Remalew smiled. He had been the Captain’s advisor ever since he mysteriously arrived in Awe a year ago. The Captain trusted him with his life. Which was a mistake, because Remalew was definitely on the side of the angels, the Captain’s opposition. “But Captain,” he said silkily, his voice flowing elegantly into the Captain’s ears, undoing the ribbons that hid his face, “my very existence is proof that it won’t.”

“What did you say – Oh my.” The Captain said, whirling around. What he saw was something beyond his comprehension. “How did you – But you’re down there!” he yelled, pointing a skinny finger at Remy.

“Yes, I am,” Remalew replied mockingly. For Remalew’s face, was exactly the same, albeit somewhat older – looking, as… as Remy’s.